I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
