I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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