I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
