I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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