"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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