my phone needs a breathalizer
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
