Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
