I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
