hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
