Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
