summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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