i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
