the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
