last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
