something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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