We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
