Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
false alarm. still invincible.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
