I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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