I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
