i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
