I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
a search helicopter?!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
