I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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