I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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