Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
