adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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