I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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