I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
