I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
