Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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