btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
