I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
