I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
