I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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