Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
