He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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