Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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