I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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