i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
