i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
