i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
