Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Houston, we have a blender
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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