Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
