just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
