dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
