Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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