I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I faked an abortion last night.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
