I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
