I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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