ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
