what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
