You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
vagina is talking i cant
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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