dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
