the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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