OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
