my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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