cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
