I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
