nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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