apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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